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Club Hallam © 2015 - 2017

FAQ’s

Please ask away… we want you nice & relaxed

How it all works

What happens next?

The ladies are on their way to introduce themselves.

Now is the time to ask any questions you may have. 

Not all ladies do all things, so it’s best to ask before choosing, to avoid disappointment in the room later. A standard service is likely to include massage, oral sex on you and sex.  All with condoms of course!

The receptionist will come back to see how you fared; If you’ve found a lady you’d like to spend some time with, the receptionist will take you to the front desk and arrange your payment and call the chosen lady to take you to a room. Once in the room you’ll be asked to stand in front of a light to do a quick health check. 

Next, you will be prompted to shower (even if you’ve had one recently). 

When does my time start? 

Your time starts when the lady enters the room and stays. If she puts you in the shower and leaves to fetch her things, your time won’t start until she re-enters. 

How will I know my time is up? 

You will hear a buzzer just prior to the end of your booking time.  Usually the buzzer will sound at 5 minutes to go on a 20 min or half hour booking and 10 minutes to go on a 45 or 60 minute booking.  This is your signal to “finish up” and allow you both to have a leisurely shower. 

What if I don’t meet a lady I like? 

No problems!  Simply tell the receptionist that nobody took your fancy and continue on your way.  We won’t pressure you to see someone if you’re unsure.  Take your time to decide if you need it and don’t feel under pressure to stay if you don’t want to.  There are lots of different ladies to meet on different days and times of the week.  Call back anytime the mood takes you and meet them! Note: If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to ask.  We’re here to help.

Turn Me On…Turn Me Off

Turn Me On…Turn Me Off

Sometimes what begins as the perfect booking somehow loses its “heat” and cools off to be not quite what you were expecting.  Maybe it’s because something has happened to really turn the lady off. We asked the ladies to give us their biggest TURN ON's and TURN OFF's.  Here’s what they said……

Turn Ons

  • Great personal hygiene dental included.  (The cleaner you are……the “dirtier” we get)
  • Smiles
  • Real compliments (remember, we’re pretty much a sure thing)
  • Good massages
  • Men with imagination
  • Sexy aftershaves
  • Men that obviously take care of their bodies and health
  • Sexy underwear, (big white under chunders are out)
  • Sobriety

Turn Offs

  • Bad personal hygiene
  • Asking for unsafe sex practices (nothing cools the mood more)
  • Unshaven faces
  • Not asking before trying things
  • No respect. (Trying to go the grope in the intro won’t get you any favours)
  • Guys on viagra wanting to bang six ways to Sunday for the full hour (we stopped having fun after the first 30 minutes)
  • Guys too drunk or drugged to know what they’re really capable (or not capable) of.
  • Rough play without asking
  • Constantly talking about how good the other lady was that you stayed with last week. (Unless it’s an agreed topic)

 Note:So remember guys, if some of your habits co-incide with the list of turn offs then, maybe that might affect the service you receive.  We’re only human after all.

I'M NOT DRUNK

No Ma’am, I’m not drunk, I always walk like this…

Brewer’s Droop, Foster’s Flop, call it what you like, it’s embarrassing for you and truthfully, we HATE it!  Oh Yeah, you’re very cute when you’re tipsy, but go beyond tiddly and the situation changes dramatically.

The ladies at Club Hallam will bend over backwards (so to speak) to make sure anyone with an erectile dysfunction walks out happy and satisfied.  Be it emotional, physical, whatever…BUT, come in drunk, then the only thing you can expect to blow is your money and there won’t be too much sympathy.

Know your limits. Alcohol is a stimulant in its early stages but this phase is rapidly followed by a depressant stage, which will affect erectile functions.  As Shakespeare said in Hamlet, alcohol increases desire and decreases performance.  So apart from the obvious disability you just gave yourself, there’s others that come along with excessive alcohol consumption that will affect how good a time you have with a lady.

Lack of inhibition from excessive alcohol makes you louder, more aggressive and more rude than you think you’re being, you smell bad, (really bad) and you’re not listening to reason. You walk into walls, your speech is slurred and frankly you’re just talking crap anyway.  You’re not even remotely funny; you’re sloppy and more inclined to spit when you talk.  Now doesn’t that make you sound attractive and desirable?

If you throw up, there’s going to be some very very grumpy staff, if you pass out there’s a good possibility it’ll be embarrassing and the girls will all come in and take a peek at you.

Thankfully though, there’s not too much of that sort of behaviour at Club Hallam, as most of you are intelligent and responsible guys (we thank you for that!) However, just keep it in mind if you’ve had a few and are looking for a good time, that the lady may suggest that you come back and see her again when you’ve sobered up coz you’ll have soooooo much more fun.

Condom?

Do I have to wear....?

“We don’t have to use a condom.  Let’s just have a nice cup of coffee and a chat instead shall we?”
We’ve talked about our major turn offs and one of the biggest, is being asked for unsafe sex. Guys that ask for things like oral or sex without a condom, find that instead of heightening their experience, they’ve just put the biggest “downer” on the whole booking.  This is how we see it. We attend STI workshops, read bulletins and articles on STI’s, study medical text, have STI checks religiously every 12 weeks and most importantly, always practice safe sex.  We’re extremely conscientious about our health.  We’re very concerned about catching something from you.  Automatically we assume if you ask for unsafe sex with us, you’ve asked for it and maybe even received it from someone less scrupulous than us.  If that “someone else” gave it to you, how many other guys has she done it for?  What diseases would she have?  All of a sudden you’ve just become a huge risk and that’s definitely going to affect the mood of your booking.

Oral sex?

Even oral sex without a condom carries risks.  Did you know that Herpes, HIV, Hepatitis A, B & C, Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and Non Specific Urethritis could all be transmitted by unprotected oral sex!   NO THANKS!

We stock a number of different brands and sizes of quality brand condoms on the premises.  We prefer to use our own, coz again; we don’t know where yours have been, but if you find a condom too large, too small, too thick or too thin, just ask the lady to try a different one.  We’re happy to oblige if we can.

We respect ourselves by not offering unsafe sex.  We respect you by ensuring our medical checks are up to date.  Show us a little respect and don’t even consider asking for unsafe sex.  By the time we’ve finished with you, you’ll have had such a good time; you will want to take the condom home as a souvenir!

The Male Brazilian

Iron My Underpants Mum, I’m Having Company Tonight!

The other day in the ladies change room at a gym I caught sight of more than just a daddy longlegs protruding from a fellow gym junkie’s underwear. This was the whole goddamn tarantula!

Horrified to find my self, staring (somewhat like passing a terrible car accident, your stomach churns yet you cannot look away) I began to wonder what my fascination was.

Leafing through back issues of Playboy and the like from the early 80’s, the “bush” was in. Somewhere between now and then we have denuded, depilitated, dehaired and totally destroyed our native bushlands. All in the name of what? Cleanliness, fashion, visual appeal, all of the above? Online polls (taken on websites devoted to such matters) seem to find a resounding vote by gentlemen preferring to land on smooth runways. So as millions of women world-wide bend to their duties with razor, wax pot and creams, so be it. The will of this democratic vote is done.

But what of the other side of the great divide? (So to speak) Many times I have heard the lament of the lady, “but I couldn’t see the wood for the trees!” “I felt like I was bobbing for apples in a barrel of dish scourers!” It is time! Time for the revolution. Coz let’s face it, and face it is what we do, it IS revolting.

Use clippers, scissors, whatever you have handy. Do the bits you can see, get a friend to help you with the bits you can’t see. Turn around, get a mirror, bend, and contort. Get it off! Now we don’t necessarily mean shave. We women would never wish regrowth on anyone. Just trim. Make it neat. It looks nice, it feels nice, and it lessens the chance of small furry animals making their home there. It stays cooler, there’s less jock itch and also less odour. (It even makes things look bigger!) And we like it. Just the same way you like us to be manicured and tidy. Oh and there’s an added bonus. Clippers vibrate in a disturbingly exciting fashion!

The Cleaner You Are, The Dirtier We Get!

Now a quick word on cleanliness; how you look and smell is important. Sounds obvious, yes? However it’s astounding the number of unwashed gentlemen that front up with cheesy grins (I use that word purposefully) and expect intimacy.

Eeeeewwwwwwww! No thanks. Have a sniff! I knew a guy once that thought his wife liked his privates in her ear!   “What???” Apparently every time he went near her face with it, she’d turn her head……..hmmmm. There’s a sign!

Wash! Use soap. Hell, it’s yours, wash it as long and as hard as you like! Washing is fun. I went shopping recently with a male friend and as I deliberated endlessly over the benefits of one shampoo and conditioner with another he sighed loudly and stated, “I don’t care which one is better for my hair, which one is slipperier?”

Wash everywhere, “Dags” is not a term of affection.   Ever had your botty powdered excessively for a massage? It aint coz we like the slippery smooth feel. The powder is scented. It masks evil smells.

Wash behind your ears, wash in your ears. Pumpkin spotting is a turn off!

Clean your teeth or use mouthwash. Second hand garlic prawns is vile.

Cut your fingernails and for heaven’s sake cut your toe nails. I know a girl that gave herself concussion on the headboard of a bed when the fellow she was fellating tried sticking his big toe up her ort! The great big horn-like nail snagged her delicate posterior, she leapt forward and Kapow! Straight into the headboard. (It did take me a while to visualise this)

If you want us to get up close and personal then make it easy for us to do so. If you’d like some help in the shower, just ask, it’s a great place to start the fun.

And next time I hear a lady complain that you haven’t washed properly, I’ll be in shortly with the wire brush to do the job myself!

For those of you that do scrub till it hurts... we appreciate it. Thank you!

Does She Kiss?

Sex without kissing is a bit like flake without chips

The real story.

It’s one of those things isn’t it?  Sex without kissing is a bit like flake without chips, but then a piece of the best salmon just wouldn’t be seen on the same plate as a bunch of potato chips.  Sometimes it suits and sometimes it doesn’t.  The question is, how come so many ladies don’t offer kissing as part of their service?

There are lots of different reasons.  Let’s start with the ladies that just flat out don’t.

Sometimes, there needs to be a line drawn between clients and possible partners in their private lives.  Kissing is such an intimate thing that often it is just saved for romantic involvement.

Others just Don’t Like It!  It’s as Simple as that.

Oral hygiene is a huge factor in the kissing debate.  There are many ladies that do offer kissing on a very limited basis.  Sometimes the decision to kiss needs to be made only once you’re up close and personal so it’s easier to say ‘NO’ in the introduction than avoid disappointment during the booking when the lady has made up her mind.

There’s a lot to oral hygiene too.  As you can imagine the first thing a lady will look for are cold sores, blisters or open sores around the mouth.  This signals a definite and unequivocal end to any chance of kissing.  Most of you understand the risks of STI’s and the ladies are very/ very conscious of safe sex practices.  They refuse to put themselves at the slightest risk, so even if you know that little blemish is just cracked lips from being out in the sun, it’s a risk too big to take for a working girl.  Evidence of gum disease will also put a stop to any lip locking action.  Pressuring a lady to kiss then or attempting to kiss her will destroy your booking as she’ll be worrying more about your attempt to “lay on some germs” than giving you a good service.

The second thing they look for is your general oral hygiene.  Are your teeth clean or is half your lunch still lurking?  Is your breath fresh or did you have garlic prawns for dinner last night?  Some of the major turn-offs are garlic, coffee, alcohol and that charming smell that rotting teeth and excess plaque causes.  Even if you’ve scrubbed, brushed and gargled, if it doesn’t look like you’ve taken care of your teeth and gums in the past and you’ve just made this one effort this time, it’s still not going to help you.  

Continued…….

There is a very slight risk of some transmittable diseases through kissing and each and every one of the ladies that kiss are straight into a bottle of Listerine the moment the booking is over, so it is understandable that if they feel even the slightest bit of risk, the answer will be NO KISSING.

Shaving stubble is another turn-off on the kissing list.  We ladies have such delicate skin that a shaving burn can last all night and is unattractive and painful.  You may get a knock back just for a few quick growing whiskers!

Don’t take it too personally though; it’s a very fine line to walk and the lady is just taking really good care of herself. (Which is what we all like to see)

Having said that, I would have to say that at the moment we seem to have a lot of ladies that DO offer kissing, some included in their standard service, others that will charge a small fee extra, no intimacy restrictions, just hygiene ones so make sure if you want to kiss, just ask.

The Ladies Lounge

I Wonder What Really Goes on in the Ladies Lounge?

Well, most times the girls go back there and practice kissing on each other……..

Ok, not really, but you boys like that story.  

You’d be quite surprised at the amount of fun we all have back there.  This is the bit where I get to praise the Club Hallam crew.  I have never in all my years in this industry met such a wonderfully friendly group of women.  There are games and clothes swapping (ya like that idea huh?) reading, needlework and exercising.  Of course there’s napping, nibbling and having a good ol’ goss.  Lots of educational stuff too.  The ladies compare techniques (sometimes with demonstrations (ya like that one too I’ll bet), study, do each other’s hair and make up, and of course they’ve all got their fave tv shows to get stuck into too.  And there’s always laughter and lots of it.  Jokes and advice, friendly banter, massages and comparing of tans and Brazilian waxes, beauty products and holiday snaps.  It really is a girl’s club back there.  Ever seen 10 scantily clad women trying to play twister?  Or what about our three bustiest girls playing strip UNO?  

There are all sorts of funny little brothel superstitions and tales.  Like all the funny “methods” of getting you guys to come and visit.  I’ve seen girls tap their shoes on the wall, throw sugar between their legs out the front door (personally I think it only brings ants) and light red candles.  If only you could hear them during the quiet times.  The first guy to walk through the door after a quiet spell can expect to be given a fair work over!  

There are discussions about who they’d like to do their next bi-twin with, which are the best condoms, which their favourite clients are and which clients actually massage them back. (They always make top ten lists)

 So there you go, the only peek you’ll get into that very private little lounge.  Of course trying to poke your head in there would probably get you eaten alive and I seriously don’t recommend that, so you’ll all have to be content with that little glimpse into a very secret world.

 So, is it like you imagined it?

Our Fantasies

I love being a naughty nurse

A selection of just some of the wonderful and erotic fantasies our ladies indulge in.  Each lady has her own favourites and will charge accordingly.  Please ask the lady of your choice which she might be offering today.

  • School Girl – This naughty little girl will show you a thing or two!
  • Naughty Nurse – Your temperature will rise…..and other things too!
  • Double or Bi Twin – Twice the fun.  Do you think you can handle them both?
  • Spanish“Pearls?  For Me?”
  • Suspender & Stockings – Everyone’s favourite
  • Vibrator – Give our ladies a “buzz”
  • Voyeur – Do you like to watch?
  • Erotic Strip Tease – Need we say more?
  • Mistress B & D – For Naughty Boys only….
  • Crossdressing – Our ladies would love to dress you up

If you don’t see your fantasy here, just ask...

How wild is your imagination?

Look out for our FREE fantasy dress up days!

Doubles

I think I want Double Trouble!

Our ladies are twice the fun!

Think you can handle two?

We currently have a special offer for those looking for double trouble:

  • 1/2 Hour with two sexy ladies for only $200*
  • Longer sessions are negotiable*
You’ll need to negotiate with the ladies of your choice, the fantasy fee that they will charge on top of the above rates.  This is dependant on what exactly it is you’re looking for, options include:
  • Straight Double The focus is on all on you (sensory overload)
  • Bi - Double Lots of luscious girl on girl interaction  (This is truly "getting busy”)
*T's & C's apply

If you would like to contact us or have any questions you would like to ask us. Please feel
free to use the contact form on our contact page & we will respond as soon as possible.

Club Hallam has Melbourne's best brothel discounts

The Best Value Brothel in Dandenong & Melbourne's South-Eastern Suburbs: SWA:7687B


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